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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First stop, I hit up the local café on Vilniaus gatvė. You know, the one with the weirdly named pastries? I order a “šokoladinis” something or other. It’s basically a chocolate bomb. I’m munching away, feeling good, when I get a call. It’s my boss. Ugh. He’s like, “We got a case on Maironio gatvė.” I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.”

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